Ramble On To Kansas: Road to Nowhere, Day 5-We’re not in Kansas anymore

This day was spent on the road home.  We finally managed to find the post office before we left Lawrence and so we could send our postcards.  I almost always end up sending my post cards on the last day of my trips….better late than never!  I’m still not sure if they’ve all reached their destinations.

Meredith made some duck friends at a gas station as we were on our way home.

And, of course we had to make one more awesome video.  Thena cracks me up at the beginning of this one.  She looks so forlorn.  http://youtu.be/ZdiwanVVeA8

In Illinois we decided to stop by Metropolis and see Superman.  He was pretty impressive.

 

 

 

Around seven o’clock that night we made it back to my house in Tennessee.  I had done a lot of the driving the last part of the trip so Thena and Meredith could sleep since they both wanted to get back home that night.  Our Ramble On To Kansas trip was finally over.  This blog doesn’t even begin to cover how much fun we had.  It was so awesome to be on a Supernatural related road trip with Supernatural fans who you could make random Supernatural references to and they would totally get it! 

Random things learned on this trip:

Kansas is the sunflower state but strangely enough, we saw no sunflowers.

Thena will tell you she doesn’t know where your sunglasses are even though they are sitting on her head.

Meredith has the worst sense of direction ever but can still navigate traffic like nobody’s business.

There are more adult bookstores in the state of Kansas than the whole U.S. combined….okay, maybe not but there sure are a lot of signs for them.

I am easily entertained by taking pictures of weird road signs.

There may or may not be a whole bunch of fake hawks perched on a fence close to Abilene, Kansas.

Thena is a rock when it comes to performing silly chants on camera.  Meredith and I are hopeless.

A tripod aka triprod may possibly be the best invention ever.

There really is a Supernatural reference for everything!

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Ramble On To Kansas: Long, Long Way From Home, Day 4-World’s Largest Ball of Twine

Monday was our last full day of Kansas before we had to head back home.  We had decided to visit the world’s largest ball of twine.  The ball was in Cawker City, which was a little over three hours from Lawrence.  We really spent a lot of time on the road in Kansas, which was appropriate for a Supernatural themed road trip, don’t you think?  I think I kinda fell in love with Interstate 70.  Flat roads, pretty scenery, and 75 mile an hour speed limit!  Come on, what’s not to love?  If only Sam and Dean had been traveling with us………sorry, I got sidetracked…..where was I?  Oh, yeah, heading to Cawker City. 

I live in a small town in Tennessee but Cawker City was even smaller.  Honestly, I don’t remember seeing but two people who actually lived there.  We did see another couple pull up and look at the ball of twine (more like make out in front of the ball of twine…..thought they might need a room at the inn) but that was it.  The town was only missing tumbleweed blowing across the road.

 

Sam and Amy may not have been impressed with the size of the ball of twine but I thought it was pretty huge.  It only smelled slightly, which was surprising to me as I’d read reports that it smelled like it is rotting.  It’s under a shelter but I’m sure it still gets wet occasionally.  There was a mailbox with a notebook where you could leave a message.

The souvenir shop is across the street and the web site said to email or call to let the owner know ahead of time that you were coming.  Meredith had emailed that morning but apparently we should have emailed a day or two ahead of time since nobody was there.  A sign on the shop gave us a number to call or it said we could go up the street to the Ball of Twine Inn.  We drove up to the Inn which looked as deserted as everything else but we could hear voices coming from inside.  There was a gated patio area and Meredith and Thena walked on into the Inn.  Suddenly from inside I hear a surprised yell.  Still not sure if it was only the lady or all three of them scaring each other.  LOL 

The lady who owned the Inn was very nice and tried to call the lady who owned the souvenir shop but couldn’t get hold of her.  She said that normally they would have twine at the Inn that we could add to the ball but she didn’t have any that day.  She kept trying to call but couldn’t get an answer so she said, “You can just go to her house.  It’s right over there,” and pointed toward a street.  She said her son would show us where it was.  This boy who is about 12 years old comes out and grabs his bike.  Meredith says, “Can we just walk over there?”  I’m like, “We’re not walking!  We have no idea where we’re going and we’re for sure going to have somehow to get away if we need too!”  Creepy Stull guy had made me wary of small town Kansas.

So, we’re following this boy on a bicycle through a seemingly deserted Kansas town, going eight miles an hour, and have no idea of our destination.  Luckily, the woman’s house wasn’t far and when we got close enough the boy just pointed to it, turned around on his bike and headed back the way he came.  Not strange at all, especially since the place he pointed us to was called the Almost Done Inn.  Did that mean the Inn was almost done or that we were??

The Inn proved to be as deserted as the rest of the town.  A sign on the door indicated that the occupants had “Gone Fishin’” and would be back around five.  We couldn’t wait that long since it was such a long drive back to Lawrence and we wanted to do some shopping that evening before the shops closed.  So, we left Cawker City without any souvenirs from the world’s largest ball of twine except for the memories.

On the way back to Lawrence we stopped to take pics of some buffalo we had spotted on the way to Cawker City.  Interstate 70 also proved to be the perfect place to make music videos. 

Our ear shattering rendition of Eye of The Tiger: http://youtu.be/CL4TjG3QUEQ

Our moving version (as in, you may want to move away from the computer) of Wanted Dead or Alive:  http://youtu.be/Ik4A_tmjncE

After we returned to Lawrence we checked out some of the shops on Massachusetts Street.  When we were just about shopped out and were heading to find some food, we found a place that made t-shirts.  We were reading some of the designs from the window and found one that had definitions for Lawrence on it.  There were already two so we wondered if we could use that design and add our own definition.  Luckily, we could and we got the most epic shirts ever…..easily the best souvenir of the whole trip.

After eating at a pizzeria place that wasn’t so great but had a wishing well reminiscent of Wishful Thinking (no wishes were made because as you know, “wishes go bad”) we made a visit to the Cupcake Construction Company and had some wonderfully delicious cupcakes.  I should have gotten about a dozen to go!

Once back at the hotel the realization set in that we would be leaving Kansas the next morning.  We had become strangely fascinated with the University of Kansas rock chalk chant and had been singing it all weekend.  On our last night in Lawrence we made a video of the chant.  It took us 11 times before we could do it without laughing.  Meredith and I couldn’t stand next to each other without laughing and what Thena and Meredith didn’t realize was I had to look at their ghostly faces in the dark before turning on the camera so I was already laughing before I ever took my place in line.

 Wouldn’t you be cracking up laughing too if you were looking at this??

Our Rock Chalk video:  http://youtu.be/FnF9K874bLQ

One more day: http://winchesterwoman.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/ramble-on-to-kansas-road-to-nowhere-day-5-were-not-in-kansas-anymore/

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Ramble on to Kansas: Carry On Wayward Son, Day 3-Natural History Museum

The next morning we changed hotels for one that was closer to downtown Lawrence.  It was right on the Kansas River but the river was pretty low.  We decided to get some lunch before heading to our destination for the day.  We found a place called Bob’s Barbecue that suited us just fine!

Hmmmm……the Hunter Special or the Mr. Moose Special??  How about one of each?

Today we had decided to go to the Natural History Museum at the University of Kansas.  I work on a college campus and I love visiting other campuses.  Meredith is really into dinosaurs so visiting was her idea but it was a good one.  I enjoyed the museum a lot.  When we first got there, a whole swarm of bees was flying around the doors.  We had to go in another entrance and we found out that there was a bee tree up on one of the floors but the guy working there said it was unusual for them to swarm like that.  BUGS anyone??

The bee tree in the museum!

 The bee swarm!

Oh, and we found miniature rainbow slinkies at the museum gift shop.  I really hoped to find one of the giant ones on this trip but I was happy to find the small ones.  If I haven’t said it before (or you haven’t already figured it out) we are very easily entertained. 

  ROCK CHALK, JAYHAWK, KU!

When we got back to the hotel we found our hotel door open.  Before we left they had called us about changing some lights and then a woman had come by to look at some of the lights in the bathroom.  I don’t know if they came to change lights or not but someone left the door open and we were freaking out.  I think we were all more worried about our laptops than anything.  Mine wouldn’t be worth anything to anyone else but it has so much stuff saved on it, it would be like losing one of my best friends.  Meredith called the front desk and then handed the phone to me.  She said, “You’re better at being mad.”  LOL

After this excitement we went strolling around Lawrence for a bit and ate at the Free State Brewery.  This place was the busiest place we went all weekend.  There were loads of people at the bar and the beer is supposed to be great but I don’t drink so it was lost on me.  The food, however, was not.  I had Pesto Chicken Pasta and it was AWESOME!  I am still craving it. 

The Eldridge Hotel in Lawrence is supposed to be haunted.  It was also too expensive for us to stay in.  Maybe next time!

We also visited the Lawrence Visitor’s Center that was just about to close when we got there.  We managed to get some Lawrence post cards (finally), crash an anniversary party (strange place for a party, IMO), and get some pics of an awesome statue out front….and of course, I made a SPN connection.  That’s what this trip was all about!

Carry On Wayward Son.  Click here for day 4: http://winchesterwoman.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/ramble-on-to-kansas-long-long-way-from-home-day-4-worlds-largest-ball-of-twine/

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Ramble On To Kansas: Wanted Dead or Alive, Day 2-Frontierland and Stull

On Saturday we went to Abilene, Kansas…..our own version of Frontierland.  Abilene was one of the first cattle towns and it is still a cute little town.  We went to the Old Abilene Town first because we wanted to get there in time to see a gun fight!  When we first got there it was pretty deserted.  “Wild Bill” Hickok started talking to me as we passed one building where a bunch of the re-enactors were hanging out.  He said for a dollar he could throw someone in jail if I wanted him to and I was like, “Can we all be put in jail?”  I mean, after all, everyone always thinks I’m going to end up in jail on these trips.  Might as well give ‘em something to talk about!

We were affectionately known as the Jailbirds after this in Old Abilene.  :)

It’s possible we were way more entertained by being in Abilene than the average person would be.  :)

Meredith & Thena are ready for the gun fight…..uh, sorta!!

I don’t think they stand a chance against the sheriff!

Back in jail….again….and laughing about it!

Thena’s wild and wicked ways finally caught up with her…..

I was the only one brave enough (or dumb enough) to play the spoons!  It was actually fun!

Probably the most difficult picture we took on our trip!  I had to set the timer on the camera and then climb up into the rickety carriage in only 10 seconds but we did it!

After we left Old Town we saw some of the rest of Abilene.  We turned around to go back to the Visitor’s Center and accidentally found The Kirby House, built in 1885 by a banker named Thomas Kirby.  It was turned into a restaurant in 1987.  We thought from the look of it that we wouldn’t be able to afford to eat there but the menu was very reasonable and the dining was casual.  We ended up having lunch there (bacon cheeseburger for me!) and it was awesome! 

During our road time coming back from Abilene we made this awesome video:  http://youtu.be/GPMR1ANVols  Seriously.  It’s awesome. :)

Once we got back from Abilene we planned on going to Stull.  We had already looked up a bunch of stuff about the cemetery and knew that the people of Stull weren’t too fond of outsiders poking around their boneyard.  I really thought some of those stories had to be an exaggeration until we actually got there. 

Stull is on the main road and we passed it before we even realized we were there.  I recognized it from pics I had seen on the internet but there was no sign to tell you it was Stull cemetery….there were only “no trespassing” signs.  We chose to ignore those since the gates were open and drove on in. (By the way, the song of choice for the trip to Stull was Rock of Ages).  The road through the cemetery takes you around the back and up a hill.  There wasn’t a place to park where you couldn’t be seen from the road but in our case, it didn’t really matter anyway.  There was a church across from the cemetery and there was a guy over there who must have been doing some work.  As we reached the top of the hill in the cemetery, he drove his huge truck over and parked in front of the gate.  Meredith saw him first and said, “What’s he doing?  He’s closing the gate!”  Apparently I thought he was just being stupid instead of threatening because I remember saying, “Can’t he see us?  We’re right here!”

When we reached the gate, there was no way we could leave the cemetery because his truck was blocking the way and he had also left his door open, so we couldn’t even try to get around it without hitting his truck……huge truck, I will say again.  I think he was probably overcompensating.  Anyway, we’re sitting there looking at him like he’s an idiot and he’s just staring at us.  I didn’t see him do it from the passenger side but Meredith said he motioned for her to roll her window down.  When she did he said, “Do you want to get locked in here?”  Well, now isn’t that a stupid question in so many ways……we’re sitting there at the gate and the only reason we can’t get out is because his big stupid truck is in the way!  And why are there “no trespassing” signs up if you’re going to lock us in, creeper?  Do you really want us staying all night???   I mean, I’m okay with that because then I could really check the place out!  Anyway, I was still thinking he was just being an idiot so we say, “No” and motion for him to move his truck and then he says…..wait for it………..”Leave and never come back.”  Seriously dude?  How many cheesy horror flicks have you been watching??

He finally shut his door so we could leave….make no doubt we wouldn’t have worried about his door if we’d needed to get away quickly.  I think it’s possible that all of our mouths were hanging open at this time.  We couldn’t believe that he had really said that to us.  If the people of Stull are going to deny all the crazy rumors about the cemetery, they need to call off their guard dogs.  That only makes things more suspicious.  I mean, if we had been doing anything other than driving through the cemetery it might have been different but we hadn’t even gotten out of the car!

What really made me mad was the fact that he was trying to intimidate three women and we really couldn’t argue with him because if he called the police, who was to say it wouldn’t end up being his cousin, Jim Bob, who would throw us into someone’s cellar and sacrifice us to the local pagan god for better crops in the upcoming year?  Oh, and creepy Bender guy also needs to know that the only man who intimidates me even a little is Jensen Ackles and he doesn’t do it by being a douchebag!

This is what’s left of the old church.  It’s mentioned in John Winchester’s journal.

For more shenanigans click here:  http://winchesterwoman.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/ramble-on-to-kansas-carry-on-wayward-son-day-3-natural-history-museum/

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Ramble On To Kansas: It’s Time to Ramble On! Day 1-Lawrence or Bust!

Back when the date for the 2012 Nashville Supernatural convention changed from June to February lots of people were upset, including me. Because of the date change I was scrambling to come up with enough money just to go but the change ending up being pretty great. Not only was Nashcon 2012 the best con I’d ever attended, sometime in those early months of 2012, Meredith, Thena and I decided we would take a Supernatural themed road trip to Lawrence, KS. We planned it for the second weekend in June (which was the original date of the Nashville convention) but things happened and we had to change the date to the first weekend. All along the countdown (which I religiously did every day) we still wondered if the trip would ever happen. We made plans anyway, determined to go in spite of whatever obstacles kept coming up and finally on June 1, we set out from my house in Tennessee at around six in the morning, with Dean’s favorite song blaring (Ramble On, in case you had any doubt). We were going to Kansas!!

We’d planned to be in St. Louis around lunchtime and spend some time at the Arch. Everyone I’d talked to said it was a must see if we were going that way. I’d did some online research and found a café where we could eat lunch and have great views of the Arch. I have no idea where that café is since we never found it but we still had some great views and found a place to eat! When we first got within sight of the Arch we were excited, taking lots of pics but then we got stuck in traffic…..the Arch was so close, yet so far and our bellies were growling for food……pretty soon we were more excited by the sight of a hot dog stand down by the river! After getting a bite to eat and taking some pics at the Arch, we were ready to ramble on to Kansas!

We went to Missouri and we learned the truth………

  Zombies are everywhere………

So is Dick Roman………..

……and the Arch is magnificent! 

When we saw our first Lawrence sign on the interstate I think we all went a little nuts. I was driving at this time so I think Meredith took a pic of every sign we saw for Lawrence. As we got off the interstate and closer to our destination we saw a huge Lawrence sign marking the entrance to the town. Meredith yells: “PULL OVER!!” There wasn’t a shoulder to pull over on so we pulled over onto the grass, got the tripod set up (yes, I came prepared) and took pics of ourselves in front of the Lawrence sign.

I seriously can’t describe how excited we were at this point. I know there was lots of squeeing going on and we couldn’t believe we were in the birthplace of our heroes, Sam and Dean Winchester. Getting those pictures in front of the Lawrence sign was the perfect ending to the first night of our adventure.

On to day two:  http://winchesterwoman.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/ramble-on-to-kansas-wanted-dead-or-alive-day-2-frontierland-and-stull/

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Supernatural fanfic: Unfinished Business

Image

Tag to 7.19, Of Grave Importance.

Bobby’s POV.

“Even though his words hurt me, Dean was right. This can’t end well and I know that now.”

Characters: Bobby, Dean, Sam

Rating: PG

Words: 1056

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I’ve been watching Dean since we returned to the motel room and though it is apparent he wants me to show myself again, I refuse to do so. I know I’m being cantankerous but I feel I’ve earned that right. I’m old and even better than that, I’m dead. I think I can damn well pout whenever I want to. And that’s what I’m doing, sitting in the corner, sulking like a petulant child.

I spent months just trying to get the boys to notice I was here. I thought it was what they wanted. How many times had I listened to them talk themselves out of it while I was screaming at the top of my lungs: I’m right here, ya idjits!

I don’t know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn’t what I got tonight. Dean’s disappointment in me….it hurt. There was work to do, unfinished business. I couldn’t just let them do it alone, could I? I had to stay and help. Dean, of all people, should understand that.

Dean had waited until Sam fell asleep before he retrieved the flask from the trunk of the clunker of the week but just because he was ready to talk didn’t mean I was. So, I watch him as he sits at the foot of his bed, turning the flask over and over in his hands, and looking up expectantly every so often to see if I’m there.

Sam begins to move restlessly in his bed and Dean’s attention, as well as mine, is drawn to his brother. Sam has slept better since Cas did whatever the hell it was he did in that psych ward but he still has the occasional bad dream. I imagine he always will, same as his brother. Dean thinks he hides his so well but Sam knows. I’m not the only thing haunting them both.

Sam jerks awake and realizes his brother is watching him from the opposite bed.

“Bad dream, Sammy?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

Sam presses his hands to his eyes and is silent. After a moment he scoots to the end of his bed and sees the flask in Dean’s hand. He glances around the room.

“Still no Bobby?”

Dean gives a half-hearted smile. “I think I really pissed him off.”

“I think you hurt his feelings, Dean.”

Dean appears to study the carpet and I’m beginning to wonder what he finds so damn interesting there when he quietly says, “What about my feelings, Sam? What about yours?”

A puzzled look crosses Sam’s face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we already lost him once. I don’t know if I can go through that again. Can you?”

Dean tosses the flask onto the bed and stalks to the window. He stares out into the darkness and I see the weariness in his stance, tears glittering at the corners of his eyes. I realize I have been a damned old fool.

“There’s nothing that says we have to, Dean.”

Ah, Sam, forever the optimist. Always looking for a way, refusing to quit when everyone around him knows there is no other way except for the one staring him right in the face, the one that says sooner or later, that flask is going in the fire.

“It can’t work, Sammy. It’s not the natural order of things.”

“You said that before, Dean, but what the hell does that mean?”

“Something Death said, back when I wore his ring….to get your soul back.” Dean turns to face his brother and I almost wish he hadn’t. I can’t stand seeing my boys in so much pain…pain that I’ve caused. “How many times have we screwed with the natural order of things, Sammy? It never ends well and it never will.”

Sam jumps up from the bed, grabs the flask and presses it into Dean’s hand.

“You don’t know that, Dean.” His voice is pleading. “It’s Bobby.”

Dean stares at the flask and I see his hands are trembling.

No matter how much I hated that damn Swayze flick, I’d give anything to pull a Whoopi right about now and put my arms around both of those boys. But I can’t do that, no matter how much I may want to, so I do the only thing I can.

Sam notices me first, gives his brother a nudge. Dean looks up at me and his eyes fill with tears.

“Bobby, I’m sorry.”

One lone tear escapes, hitting the flask Dean still holds in his hands. I feel the agony of that tear to my very core.

“You were right, Dean. I shouldn’t have stayed.”

“No, I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I should have been glad to see you. I’ve been wanting to see you.” Dean’s voice breaks and I’m pretty sure if I still had a beating heart it would be breaking too.

“We can find a way to make this work, Bobby.” Sam glances at his brother for reassurance. “We have to try.”

“Do you really think that’s possible?” Dean’s eyes are full of cautious hope and I know that he wants to believe.

I want to believe too but I can’t. Not after what I’ve seen tonight. Even though his words hurt me, Dean was right. This can’t end well and I know that now. I chose to stay because I made myself believe they needed my help but what I really didn’t want to admit was the fact that I wasn’t ready to go. I didn’t want to leave my boys alone.

But I can’t tell them the awful truth, not yet. I still have time. So I shrug my shoulders and say, “Anything’s possible, Dean. Besides, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon unless you light that flask up.”

Dean nods and gently tucks the flask away in his shirt pocket. “Well, then, I guess we’ve got work to do.”

“That’s what I’m here for, ya idjit.”

Sam gives Dean a sideways glance and is rewarded with a genuine smile.

And that’s what it’s really all about, isn’t it? The real reason I’m still here. It’s not the job, the damn Leviathans, or the perks of being Casper the friendly ghost hunter. I’m here for my boys, to make sure they’re alright…..to see that they somehow survive this mess. They’re my unfinished business.


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Supernatural fanfic: Dance With the Devil

Tag to 7.13, Slice Girls

Sam’s not mad at Dean, he’s terrified of being left alone…..although he’s never really alone.  Sam’s POV.

Characters: Sam, Dean, Lucifer

Rated: PG

Word count: 1552

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As I put Seattle behind us, I glance over at Dean and see he has fallen asleep, neck at an awkward angle, face pressed against the passenger side window.   I know from experience that’s not going to feel so good when he wakes up so I try to pull him into a somewhat more comfortable position while keeping one hand on the wheel. The result is not what I was hoping for as Dean slaps at my hand while sinking further into the seat, neck bent so awkwardly that I have no idea how he’s still asleep. 

Dean’s always been that way.  He could sleep just about anywhere as long as someone would give him time to close his eyes.  But nine times out of ten, sleep for Dean is an avoidance tactic, a way to avoid me or anyone else who might actually try to make him talk about something instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.  That’s what it was tonight.  He knew I wouldn’t let things rest so instead of opening up to me he feigned sleep until he actually fell asleep and left me stewing, once again.

He thinks I’m pissed because of what happened with Emma, but I’m not.  I’ve seen Dean like this before, spiraling out of control, doing stupid things because he no longer cares whether he lives or dies, never once stopping to realize that I do….I care about what happens to my brother, even though I’m not sure he believes it.

I know him and I know how he thinks.  He wants everyone to believe he’s tough as nails and everything bounces right off him but it’s not true.  Nothing bounces off him.  Everything you say or do, Dean files it away and pulls it out to analyze it when he thinks nobody is watching but I’ve been watching him ever since I can remember.  Dean wants you to think he’s shallow but he’s one of the deepest thinkers I’ve ever known and he never forgets.  Sometimes I really wish he could.

So, no, I’m not pissed at Dean for not killing his child….even if she was a monster.  I’m worried about his hesitation to do so.  I’m worried his hesitation will get him killed and I’ll be left alone……and the thought of that terrifies me.

As if he’s been waiting for his cue, I see him…..Lucifer…..sitting there in the back seat, smiling at me as if we are best buddies just out taking a road trip together.   I focus my mind back on the road in front of me and grip the steering wheel tight, feeling the press of the wheel against the scar on my left hand, the only weapon I have against Lucifer.

I risk a glance in the rearview mirror and see that the devil is gone for now but I know he’ll be back.  Ever since Cas brought down the wall in my head, the devil has been my constant companion, forever reminding me of the torture of hell and the pain I suffered there.

I want to tell Dean.  More than anything I want to be able to confide in my brother and tell him how I think I’m slowly losing my mind…..but I can’t.  Since Bobby’s death, he’s barely hanging on.  I can’t put this on him right now.  He thinks I’ve got it under control and that’s the way it has to stay.  This is my burden to bear. 

I pull the car into the parking lot of the next cheap motel and there’s Satan, motioning for me to come on in.  I turn off the car, close my eyes and squeeze my left hand as hard as I possibly can.

“Sammy?”  Dean is awake and I can tell by the tone of his voice he’s worried.

When I open my eyes there’s nothing beckoning to me except the neon light of a vacancy sign and my brother is sitting beside me, wide awake, and looking a bit frightened.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  I can’t quite meet Dean’s eyes.  “I’ll go get us checked in.  You grab the duffels.”

Once inside the room, Dean kicks off his boots and collapses onto the nearest bed.  I think he’s fallen asleep again until he opens one eye to peer at me.

“You sure you’re okay?”

I realize he has caught me kneading the scar on my hand in hopes of stopping the devil, who is tap dancing outside the motel window.  Dean follows my gaze and I know I can’t lie.  Not this time.

“Sammy?”

Terror builds up inside me as Satan begins to throttle my brother.  Dean’s face is turning blue and he’s reaching for me.  I call out his name and suddenly I feel someone gripping my hand.  Satan is gone and Dean is kneeling in front of me, my hand clasped tightly between his.

“He’s not here, Sammy.” 

I close my eyes and feel the tears gathering there.  I have to hold it together.  Dean’s just watched his daughter die.  I can’t fall apart….not now….not ever….not as long as my brother is still breathing.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes.  Satan is nowhere to be seen but Dean’s eyes are full of fear.  I attempt a shaky smile.

“I’m okay, Dean….really.”

The scar may be my weapon but my brother is the reason…..the only reason I’m still holding on.   If not for Dean, I’m pretty sure I’d be bunk buddies with Satan once again.  I’m not that strong and I never have been.  Dean is the strong one, the one who can hold it all together when the world is falling apart around us. He’s proven he can survive without me while all I’ve been able to prove is how self-destructive I become without my brother around to keep me together.

I beat the devil once but this….this is different.  He used my body before but this time he’s in my head and no matter how hard I try, I can never gain full control.  I can make him disappear for awhile but he’s never gone for good.  And ever since Bobby died, he’s becoming much more a regular character than just a special guest star in the freak show of my mind.

It would be so easy just to let go but I keep hanging on because Dean needs me……not me, necessarily but I’m all he’s got.  If Bobby were still around, I’d not worry as much.  Dean would be okay if I finally go cuckoo for cocoa puffs.  Even if Cas was still here, I think Dean could make it without me but I see how he’s barely holding it together and I can’t let my brother down.  I can’t let go and lose myself to the devil.  What would that do to Dean?  He’d have nothing left and I can’t leave him alone to fight Dick Roman.

Dean is still clutching my hand and I try once more to reassure him that I’m okay.

“Uh, huh.  Sure.”  Dean finally releases my hand, grabs the TV remote and begins flipping through the channels.  Another avoidance tactic but this time he’s doing it for me.  He finally decides that World’s Dumbest is the perfect distraction and for awhile we laugh together and I try to avoid Lucifer’s gaze as he sits in the corner like a petulant child, waiting for me to acknowledge him.

Dean finally nods off sometime in the early morning hours.  I cover him with the thin motel bedspread and he burrows beneath it.  I move over to the small kitchen table and open my laptop.  Satan sits opposite me and appears to be interested in what I am researching.  I hope he’s worried.   I type the word hallucination into the search engine and begin scanning the articles.

Sometime later I’m awakened by the smell of coffee.  I peel open one eye and find I am face first in my laptop.  The motel bedspread is now tossed over my shoulders.   Dean appears and places a cup of coffee in the proximity of my hands.

“Rough night?”

I reach for the coffee and take a long sip before replying.  “Yeah, someone kept me up half the night watching mindless TV.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Mindless TV?  No, not particularly.”  Dean wasn’t the only one who had avoidance tactics.

Satan is sitting where I left him last night, giving a running commentary on everything he sees, including my brother.  As I reach for my scar, Satan flips me the bird and disappears.  Dean takes the seat vacated by the devil and peers earnestly at me.

“You know I’m not going anywhere, right, Sammy?”

I hesitate but only for a moment.  “Me either.”

Dean nods.  “Okay, good.  Glad we got that established.”

He stares at me for another minute before grabbing his bag and heading toward the bathroom.  Somewhere between Seattle and wherever the hell we are now, Dean figured it out.

You know I’m not going anywhere…..

From his perch in the corner Satan whispers, “Neither am I.”

I won’t last long in this world so wrong

Say goodbye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Don’t you dare look at him in the eye

As we dance with the devil tonight

Hold on.

Hold on……..

 **********************************************

Song Lyrics: Dance with the Devil by Breaking Benjamin

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