Written immediately following Death’s Door.
Characters: Dean, Sam
Word Count: 754
I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Dean ran. His lungs ached and his legs had been reduced to quivering jello but still he ran, knowing in the back of his mind he could never run long enough or far enough to escape the never ending hell of what passed for his life.
Sam was behind him, calling his name. He knew his brother would catch up sooner or later. Sam and his morning jogs and health food kicks. Even without the healthy habits he could easily outrun Dean with those damn long legs.
I’m sorry. He’s gone.
Dean pumped his legs harder, trying to leave those words behind. Bobby couldn’t be gone. Not now. Not like this. Not when…
Not when I need him.
A ragged sob escaped Dean’s lips and he cried out in frustration, screaming to the sky as he ran. Behind him Sam was drawing closer, begging Dean to stop. He could hear the tears in his brother’s voice.
Memories played in Dean’s head, flashing by as quickly as the life that was now gone. Bobby taking him to toss a ball, Bobby teaching them to track and hunt as Dean refused to shoot a deer under the persuasion of Sam’s puppy dog eyes, Bobby being there when Sam had died, Bobby talking sense into him when there was no sense to be made, Bobby being the father that John Winchester had never had time to be.
Bobby had been his rock and without him, how would he ever be able to stand?
Dean felt a hand on his arm and realized Sam had finally caught up. He jerked away from the grasp and stumbled, managing to catch himself before sprawling headlong into the grass. He stood gasping, tears streaming down his face, refusing to look into the eyes of his younger brother.
Dean turned away from Sam, peering at his surroundings, wondering exactly where he had taken them on his grief induced run. Nothing was familiar and he turned back to the only thing that was. Sam.
His brother was standing there, chest heaving from the run, tears standing in his eyes, clutching his scarred hand as if his life depended on it. And Dean reckoned it probably did. He wasn’t the only one hurt by this.
Every fiber of Dean’s body was tuned in to the pain his brother was feeling. He could see the terror in Sam’s eyes and knew that not all of it was from facing Lucifer, even at this darkest hour. Some of it was from watching his older brother finally crack under the strain of the world.
Dean wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, the same way he had all of his life but he couldn’t. Where was his comfort? He’d given and given, not just to Sam but to everyone and no matter how much he’d given, sooner or later, everyone he loved was taken away. Even now he couldn’t be sure how much longer Sam would be able to cope and without Bobby…
What the hell am I supposed to do? Why should I even care anymore?
You’re talking like a hunter that’s already dead, Dean.
I wish I was. I can’t do this anymore, Bobby.
Find your reason, Dean.
Dean sunk to his knees in the dewy grass, covering his face with his hands.
There is no reason, nothing to take this pain away. I can’t.
Familiar hands clutched his arms and Dean gazed up into his brother’s tormented face.
There’s your reason, Dean.
I don’t know if it’s enough anymore, Bobby.
Dean began to sob, pulling away from his brother but Sam held him firm.
“No, Dean. You’re not running. Not this time.”
Dean sagged in his brother’s arms. No words would come, only uncontrollable sobs.
“Dean, I’m here for you.” Sam’s voice was thick with tears. “Can you please just let me?”
Dean wasn’t even sure what that meant but he nodded and Sam enfolded him in his embrace. Dean wept against his brother’s chest while Sam whispered words of comfort, words that Dean had whispered in Sam’s ear many times. “I’m here. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here.”
Dean clutched his brother desperately. His reason.
And it was enough.
Song lyrics by Hoobastank, The Reason.
Thanks for reading!